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5 Top Halloween Tips
1. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, then, scratch your head, and act confused.
2. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "crawl for it!"
3. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
4. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calender.
5. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.
Dear Santa
You must be suprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occured since the beginning of the month. I asked for a bike, an electric train, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better then me. With my parents, my bro, my friends, and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity. What balls you have leaving mea fucking yo-yo, a stupid ass whistle, and a pair of socks. What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year, to come out with some shit like this under the damn tree. As if you haven't fucked me enough you gave that little shit head across the street so many fucking toys. He can't even walk into this own damn house. Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big ass down my chimney next year! I'll fuck you! I'll throw rocks at you those stupid ass reindeers of yours and scare them the fuck away, so you'll have to walk your big fat ass everywhere, just like I have to do since you didn't give me that fucking bike, you punk ass bitch, you know what santa? Fuck you next year. You'll find out how bad I can be. You've been stepping on the wrong mother fucking kid for too long. So watch your back next year, you fat ass punk bastard. Fuck you and those 8 dumbass reindeer...
The Son
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your arse in the train, cause we're doing dow the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say. "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, was ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
The Elderly Gentleman
An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra, The doctor said, "Thats's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces." The doctor said, "That won't do you any good." The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
Sex Education
Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-a big eel ;had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush...
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